My three weekly ritual is here again,
The trip to see my Constant ‘Doris’, to talk about my pain.
So, I sit on the train and gather my thoughts – note book and pen in hand
and start to write about the things that have happened and the thoughts going on in my head.
From train to tube I carry on travelling – I know the route now like the back of my hand.
As I sit and look at the people around me, I begin to wonder – “Are you on a journey? If so, where is it taking you?”.
Sometimes I see somebody reminding me of me; deep in thought, notebook in hand and writing.
Occasionally they lift pen from paper and their face looks really sad, then I know -
not ‘exactly’ what their journey is, but that they have to go.
To accept a situation that you didn’t want to be,
To say goodbye to someone you actually want to see,
For me – is one of the hardest things to do.
Experience seems to have counted for nothing.
Yet, without truly accepting, you cannot move on,
Energy just gets expelled and eventually strength is gone.
So – what needs to be done to move on from this dilemma?
Firstly, I’m thinking of re-framing ‘acceptance’ as being something that needs to be understood – if I could.
My default position when saying ‘good-bye’ is to cry; mourning for what may be lost or forgotten.
But my default needs to change and my mourning needs to stop because-
what is forgotten can be remembered, what is lost is sometimes found
And goodbye is, often, as final as we want to make it.
After I took the overdose, time became irrelevant for me. Even now, I don’t seem to remember very much at all about day to day living from between the ages of fourteen to sixteen. I just know that it was awful and got progressively worse. The violence had escalated and I was in much danger of being sexually abused again. I was in a constant state of alert, so needless to say, it had an enormous impact on my ability to concentrate at school and my self-esteem/self-belief was ’0′. I aways went to school because it was my ‘safe haven’ – the one place him and my mother couldn’t hurt me. But sadly, I didn’t achieve much and certainly didn’t reach my potential.
I can’t quite remember when my issues around food began.