As you already know, I’m new to blogging. But, more importantly, it’s new for me ‘not’ to cover up my past and hide it from others. To just be honest. That was the point of me writing this blog after all; to write about it without feeling ashamed or worried that people may not believe me and to honestly answer any questions others may have. Well guess what…I’m already not being completely honest. I spent much of last night thinking that it wasn’t that important, the bits of information I missed out, but actually it is.
O.K, so here it is. I failed to mention three things; the first is that my childhood also involved the exposure to domestic violence between my mother and her partners. Secondly, I ‘am’ living a happy and fulfilling life, however…I am still in therapy. Not because I’m falling to pieces (I did that years ago), but because I still need to ‘iron out’ some things. I’m seeing ‘the’ most amazing woman in London. I’m going to call her Doris! At the moment, we see each other every few weeks and it is my space to talk about the issues I still need to air.
Lastly, I mentioned that I am not expecting any comments back, or even followers’. Well, that is sort of true, but if i’m being honest, I would really like my blog to be read and having followers just means that people are interested in what I’m saying, so I would obviously like to feel that.
I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘why’ I was worried about being completely honest, and I think I have figured it out. You see, when you are the victim of sexual abuse, you are often not believed. People can’t accept that the person you are accusing of sexually abusing you, would actually do that. They either don’t believe it, or don’t want to hear it. Literally, don’t want to hear it. Well, that was my experience anyway. I was worried that if I put too much information about my childhood, you wouldn’t believe me. It would be just too much to believe. I was also worried that if I mentioned that I was in therapy, I may be seen as being ‘unstable’. Again, through lack of understanding, some people do think that. And lastly, when you have experienced abandonment as a child, and in my case I experienced it twice; first with my father and then my mother, you become scared of losing people. So much so, you give people permission to leave before they have even arrived. Hence I felt the need to say in one of my blogs that I wasn’t expecting any comments back or even followers. By saying that, and expecting that, I cant be left hurt, disappointed or wondering.
So, there it is! No, I’m not Catholic. No, I’m not unstable. No, I will not be admitting anything else to you – other than sharing my experiences with those that want to read them. Please feel free to re-tweet any blog you think may be interesting to others and I will be writing again very soon. Have a great weekend.x
Written by ‘Survivor-uncensored’