‘So much unhappiness and anger…’

Growing up in the environment I was in made me so unhappy. I never felt safe or emotionally cared for and that was my reality. Weirdly, I still can’t remember that much detail about day to day living. I do remember dreading the weekends, because I was thrown together with my mother and step-father; I was always one of the last children to leave the bus park at school on a Friday afternoon, choosing to get the very last bus.

Having my little sister was probably what saved me on an emotional level. We looked after each other and were very, very close. I loved her and showed it and she did the same to me. It’s strange – only now do I realise that we ‘never’ talked about what was going on at home – we just got on with it.

As far as discipline went, my step-father would decide and administer the rules and punishments and my mother would willingly let him. If I had been seen to be disagreeable, one of the things he did was rip off the plug to my music system and take the light-bulb out of my bedroom. I would be told to go straight to my room after school and, other than eating supper downstairs, had to stay in my room until the morning. When it got dark in the evening, I had no light.

My step-father was also the person who decided when it was acceptable for me to buy my first bra and shave my legs. I did take matters into my own hands with shaving and at the age of twelve, decided to shave my legs at school. Inevitably, my step-father found out; he was so furious he hit me hard across the face. Another week with no music and no light! I hated them both so much.

Written by ‘Survivor-uncensored’

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