Its not until I re-read my poems relating to my experience with food, that I understand ‘why’ I have such a difficult relationship with it. When I was growing up, meal times were really unpleasant times that often ended in violence. The correlation between unhappiness/control and eating is so strong and embedded into my psyche, its a very difficult ’emotional’ correlation to break.
My life now is so different to how it was when I was growing up, yet still, I have anxiety around food much of the time. Before visiting my in-laws, I always become very agitated and anxious because I know we will be told what time we’re eating, what we’re eating etc. Although its all done in our interest, I find it really difficult. I hate feeling controlled, but especially around food. Yet, by feeling this anxiety, means I’m still being controlled. This has proven a very difficult battle to win and one that I’m trying to conquer with the help of my constant ‘Doris’. Thank god for her; she gives me hope and reminds me of my strength.