Yesterday, I was in London visiting my constant ‘Doris’. We see each other every three weeks and our relationship has proven to be of such enormous benefit to me. She helps me to work through my feelings regarding the memories I still struggle with and she empowers me. I always leave her office feeling better than I did when first arriving, as well as having a different perspective to digest and think about until my next visit. Its not always easy though – working through difficult memories I mean. It would be far ‘easier’ to do what I used to do best and split from them – literally. Splitting my mind from my body is something I learnt to do well. The problem is, I can now see it no longer serves me as it once used to. Let me explain…
When you are abused, physically or sexually, many people including myself learn to ‘split’. Your head is able to cut off from the pain you are receiving through your body. Its a coping mechanism. The problem is, it can become a habit that you carry with you, even if the abuse has stopped. Your head and body become separate and consequently, so can thoughts and feelings. This is not a healthy way to function and can impact on so many parts of your adult life.
In my session yesterday, I was an emotional mess. A couple of incidents at home had triggered some awful memories from my childhood that I had to date, managed to suppress. Interestingly, the memories triggered were not of the actual events that had happened, but the ’emotions’ I’d had as I child regarding the events. I now have the challenge of working through this difficult stage. I need to go back and ‘feel’ the emotions I never allowed myself to feel when I was a child. Feel them, talk about them and hopefully begin to move on.
I still struggle with thinking about my feelings, particularly if it is sensory. I find sex very difficult and almost impossible to talk about and I can get ‘sensory overload’, even from food. But I’m tired of it all now. I want to learn how to live ‘normally’. I want to be able to have a healthy, guilt free sex life and I want to eat fruit – lots of it, without having to psyche myself up before hand. I want to breath normally, without being fearful of my breath smelling and I want to be able to wear summer clothes, without feeling vulnerable.
The next few sessions are going to be hard. Thankfully, and never taken for granted, I have amazing support, both personally and professionally. And I’m a fighter.
Written by ‘Survivor-Uncensored’