‘Trying to regain some control…’

I suddenly realised that I and I alone had control of what stayed in my stomach.   My step-father had the power to force me to eat, but unless he kept me under lock and key, he couldn’t stop me from vomiting it back up.  So I did.  It was my way of saying ‘fuck you!’.  It was also the only control I had in my life and I made damn sure I used it.

The problem was, I began vomiting, not just when he forced me eat something I didn’t want to eat, but also when I was angry or upset with him or my mother.  I felt so much pain and anger towards them, but it wasn’t safe for me to say or show it.  So, instead, I would secretly cause myself pain by vomiting.   For a short time, the anger and emotion was gone – expelled from my body.   Until the next time…

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