‘Here’s to 2014…’

I thought it might be too late to say Happy New Year!  I hope you had an enjoyable Christmas break.  Mine was fairly uneventful, but in a good way.  Time chilling with the kids and planning what personal challenges I’m intending to achieve this coming year.  So let me fill you in…

Firstly, I am applying to the Open University for a place on their Access course ‘People, Work Society’, with the intention of, in the near future, completing a BA degree in ‘Combined Social Sciences’.  You many think that my plan sounds great!  You may feel that its an achievable thing to do and if I really want to do it,  I have a fairly good chance of succeeding?  But, its not that simple…

You see, when I think of studying, my experiences of growing up and school life floods my brain with fear.   When I was growing up, school was my place of safety and I was one of the few children who actually looked forward to going to school every day.  However…  because of the abuse that was going on at home, I couldn’t concentrate very well, and due to the anxiety I felt – constantly –  I couldn’t remember information very well, even if I’d spent hours revising in the school library – which I often had.    Ultimately, my final exam results were very poor and consequently, I was left feeling utterly stupid and a failure.

So, here is my dilemma…I’m now 43yrs old and I want a career in a field I’m passionate about and therefore happy to work beyond the ‘9-5’ if and when required.  I want to carry on working with children but also have involvement with their families and I want to be paid a decent wage (for self-satisfaction and my husband is self-employed…).   For all of this to happen, I would need to go back to studying, but I’m terrified.  What if I am stupid?  What if I have something wrong with my brain and I just ‘can’t’ remember things?  After all, my step-father did slam my head against a few walls over the years – maybe it has damaged my brain?  Affected my memory?  What if I spend hundreds, or thousands of pounds trying to achieve the unachievable – how guilty would I feel?  After all, as i said before – my husband is self-employed.

O.K I’m now feeling really anxious.  I need to take another Propanalol and think about this some more.  The dead-line for the Access course is Jan 16th… I will let you know what the outcome is.

PS:  My Constant ‘Doris’ has recommended Mindfulness training – but I’m scared of failing that too – that it won’t work on me! aaahhhhhhhh

2 thoughts on “‘Here’s to 2014…’

  1. So interesting to reflect on our relationship to failure – not a new conversation but an endless one it seems. Strikes me ‘failure’ is defined through both our own and our culture’s story – ‘don’t risk looking stupid… who do you think you are… there are winners and losers…and so on and so on’ It isn’t easy to step out of this relationship as our bodies and nervous systems remember and react to keep us safe – to keep us contained (I’m guessing this may be especially true when you’ve experienced abuse and trauma) But perhaps considering a new story can offer us a glimpse of a different way of being (or playing!) around failure. You may find that the world and story of ‘mindfulness’ doesn’t have the idea of ‘failure’ within it – or maybe it means something all together different there…? Here’s a link to a short clip of a piece called ‘Failing’ by Tom Johnson.

    It is written for the double base: in playing it, the only way for the player to succeed is to fail and the only way to fail is to succeed… how’s that for a fabulous, head-f*** of a new story!

    From this place, who knows if applying on the 16th (and all that might or might not happen from there) would be a success or a failure? Maybe it’s both and neither… when you mess with the rules we were all handed, the real fun might start…!

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