No, I haven’t become ‘too big for my boots’ since becoming an Open University student. I discovered the word ‘ecdysis’ today and thought how accurately that process describes how I’m feeling right now. For those of you who are unaware of the word, it is of Greek origin and describes the process of shedding the old skin to allow for continued growth. Who knew…!
When I decided to study with the O.U, one of my big concerns was whether I would be able to remember/retain the material I was studying. I was good at forgetting things – I had to be to survive – but not ‘remembering’. Well, since the beginning of February, I have been practising ‘how to remember’ and I have to say, its working. I seem to be retaining much of my material and really enjoying the process of learning again. I am also now working in a job I really enjoy, with an employer who provides fantastic training opportunities and recently I have had one of my poems (Mealtimes Together) published in Poetry Rivals Collection 2013 – Awakened Minds, which is such an honour and means so much to me. I am really happy and thankful for my life as it is now. I have a fabulous husband and two great kids. Oh, and a dog as well as two cats.
I could try and forget my old life that no longer exists and just get on with my new life, my adult life, the one that I’m happy with. But those of you who have survived child abuse, will know that it is not as simple as that. Recovery is an ongoing process and never really ends. So, as part of my on-going healing, growing and recovery, I have set myself a very personal, challenge. I want to write a book. I want to write a Memoir of my childhood with no holes barred and I want to put my name to it, my real name. Even if the book never gets published, writing publicly about my experiences means I don’t ‘own’ them anymore. I should never have owned them in the first place and I understand that now. I have made a start, 9000 words to be precise and to say it has been emotionally challenging is a gross understatement.
What I’m doing is exciting, challenging, painful and uncomfortable. I’m feeling very raw at the moment, raw and exposed. I’m in Ecdysis.